Saturday.
I think the reasoning behind me being so reckless of late is i still see the world as something limited. My subconscious always finds subtle ways to remind me of things, one of these is how fervently i think the world will end. I suspect that after the 21st of December 2012 my wardrobe choices will lose their dark aura and step into the light. As though i’m mourning the end of something that has not yet come to pass.
The days are still as they were, empty to entertain me as the night always has. But these days even the nights seem fruitless, I know I’m searching for something but I’m unsure that once i find it i will be prepared for it.
I have found someone special. It’s completely one-sided. He has no idea (i think) and i’ll probably keep it that way. My life is too disconnected at the moment and I’m sure that in the slim possibility something were to happen between the two of us. I’m not good enough for him right now. I’m not talking about aesthetics , sure looks are important, but more so is the meeting of minds. So often intellect is overlooked, where as i think it’s a definite necessity of a stable connection.
I try my hardest to escape harsh realities, by doing something, anything; work, watching films, even this. So i pick up a controller, go to the computer, grab a pen or pencil, anything to escape the onslaught of emotions that i’m going to have to rifle through eventually.
These days i find that my anger is more pronounced than before. When i get the familiar sensations of rage i find it hard to focus on anything other than it’s subject, where as before i could easily brush it away.
The emotion i most covet is hope. Because when i hope i become a Super-Me. Filled with energy, ready to take on the world, do a million things at6 once, all for that single glimmer in the distance. I guess when thinking about it like this it seems stupid, and somehow irrational? But then what about life is?
I find myself asking myself the same question everyday. Am i a good person? Would i make the right/good choice if given the option. But it’s only today that i came to the realization that there is no such thing as a ‘good’ person. We all have the ability for good and bad in us. Those that desire to be ‘good’ must try to keep the smouldering flames of the ‘bad’ at bay, which at times can be difficult as the ‘bad’ option is quite often also the easiest. Noone is 100% purehearted, but it’s our capacity to endure for the sake of morals that makes us good people. That being said, things are hardly ever that black and white…
